It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
