i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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