the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
