burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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