I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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