nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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