I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize