dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
