You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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