Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
