Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
