Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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