How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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