so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
