**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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