can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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