Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
