Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
