She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
