Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
