i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
