I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
