he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
