My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize