Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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