cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
