I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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