my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
