before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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