I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
