the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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