i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There's always time for handjobs
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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