I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
