Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
