The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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