new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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