Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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