if you like me you must not know who I am
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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