Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
