you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
