if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
