i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
