Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
this boner is exhausting
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
