I don't usually arrange sex via text message
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
