If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
