May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
