singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
why do cheetos always look like penises
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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