No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
