it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
