just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
