if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
