k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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