She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize