my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
