i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
