I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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