my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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